Monday, November 29, 2010

真實的自己?

我一直沒有刻意經營自己,但有了部落格,又讓自己看似被某種力量推動著,加上書寫這件事是公開的,不知不覺,從旁觀者的角度來看,自己是被默默經營著的,被文字,也被自我或他人的期待,捏塑成某種模樣。那麼這種模樣是否為真實的我呢?

我會說是,也不完全是。

問題出在問題本身。有人能定義什麼是真實的自己嗎?思緒不像妝點蛋糕的奶油,擠出來依舊是奶油,人的想法會變,奶油不會變(頂多變質而已,但不可能變成芥末)。隨著時間拉長,一個人可以從很喜歡這個世界,變成很不喜歡這個世界;也可能從很愛你,變成很不愛你;更可以從不婚族,變成3個孩子的爸;更別提可以從共產黨員,變成國民黨員。所以我一直記得金城武說過,最討厭接受訪問時別人問他嗜好是什麼。因為幾年前喜歡的東西或事情,現在可能已經不是那樣了,報紙雜誌卻會永遠刊著,幾年後有人再問他一樣的問題,答案可能完全不同,但你能說他當初說謊嗎?

這方面我很像金城武。(我隻字未提長相喔!別寫信罵我。)

於是「什麼是真實的自己?」這問題本身就有問題。譬如演員,在不同的戲,演不同的角色,可能前幾天是個民族英雄,明天就變成連環殺人犯,最好的演員,最好能夠變成角色裡那個人,這叫入戲,在鏡頭運轉的那幾秒,梁朝偉的內心世界,和漢奸易先生的,沒什麼不同。不過人們不會把那幾秒當真,還會說,演戲和真實人生是不同的。不過,真的有那麼不同嗎?有人不曾逢場作戲過嗎?有人無時無刻都在傳達內心真正的想法嗎?

會議報告的時候,面試的時候,必須裝作很行的這些時候,某種程度,與演戲似乎沒有太大不同。差別在於你是在演自己,不是演別人,但那個自己又像方法演技一樣,分很多層次:曾經的自己、理想中的自己,別人眼中的自己,等等。面對不同的人,可能也會釋放出不同的自己,好比父母眼中的你,和同學、同事或情人眼中的你,是同個你嗎?

實在很難講。

於是回到我自己身上,部落格裡由文字拼貼成的我,可能不完全是平常和朋友打屁聊天的那個我;也可能不是父母長輩眼中安靜不語的我;因為很多想講的話,並非有適當的時機、適當的場合、適當的對象可以訴說,可能有人可以不管以上的條件,毫無保留的釋放自己,呈現相同的模樣,但我不行,我需要找到一些介質,用相對晦澀的方式,表達自己想講的東西,幸好這種行為被賦予一個好聽的名字,叫創作。所以透過文字認識我,可能會比對談更能了解我,也或許相反,取決於你想要認識哪種層面的我。如同正在上的一堂課Constructing Reality(建構真實),把Reality解析為兩個層面:Fact(事實)和Truth(真理)。

事實只有一種,如地球繞著太陽轉、一加一等於二、你有一個孩子,沒有反駁辯論的空間。不過真理就不只一種,取決於觀點與角度,譬如教宗覺得不能用保險套,用了,違背上帝的旨意,但學校健康教育說要用,不用,違背老師的旨意。以上兩種觀點都是真實的,卻屬於不同人的真理。對錯在於相信那種觀點,哪種角度。你可能得罪了老師,卻被上帝眷顧,反之亦然。於是真理建構在「相信」的基礎上:你相信什麼事實,什麼就是你的真理。

事實不會變,但真理會隨著觀點而變,那麼在兩者之上的真實,就非僅一種面貌而已了。所以再問一次那個不是真實問題的問題:什麼是真實的你,或我?答案可能有很多種,也可能只有一種。就像金城武以前喜歡吃鳳梨罐頭,現在喜歡打電動;你以前喜歡林青霞,現在喜歡瑤瑤;我以前喜歡泡妞,現在還是喜歡泡妞。不論世界怎麼變,蔡依林的胸圍怎麼變,蔡依林還是蔡依林,金城武還是金城武。無論經營與否,只要繼續「相信」自己。

你就還是你,而我,還是那個我。


註:最近偉大的教宗改口,在某些情況下,可以用保險套喔!

哈利路亞!


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

冬天的熊與反韓


台灣在反韓,愛丁堡的台灣人(其實就是我)也在反寒。天氣冷的不得了,平時也見不到什麼韓國人,除了昨天在Tesco巧遇之前住宿同廚房,和金正日同姓的韓國博士生Kim,我猜他也知道這波台韓衝突,但站在麵包貨架前的我們周圍,沒有火藥味,只有可頌出爐的香味。聊了一下課業、天氣(在英國不聊這就不英國了),互相給個微笑,轉身離開的瞬間,才驚覺我好像錯了,應該當著他面大喊,TMD! Give back our gold metal。

不過Kim除了是韓國人,也是好人,便作罷!

下午三點,窩在房間,天色漸暗,一盞小燈,聽著甜梅號或1976,下雨就聽Chet Baker或最近開始喜歡的Louis Armstrong,以前一直覺得他芭樂,現在倒覺得他很溫暖,無論是笑容或嗓音。今年愛丁堡真的特別冷,上學、上圖書館上健身房打球上超市買糧食(這個詞聽起來比「食物」溫暖)和朋友喝咖啡聊天以外,其餘時間不太想出門,便讀些書與論文、看些電影、寫些文章,沒有冬眠,卻覺得自己的生活像頭冬天的熊。

每次看見熊這個字,不自覺會想到村上春樹【挪威的森林】裡的幾句話:

「我很喜歡妳喲,綠(Midori)。」
「有多喜歡?」

「像喜歡春天的熊一樣。」

不過春天依然遙遠,我只得乖乖當隻冬天的熊。特別是每晚入睡前,冰冷的雙腳蜷入被窩、關上燈的剎那,黑暗被打開,飢餓感也趁勢鑽入棉被,襲擊著我。不像村上在【麵包店再襲擊】裡,因為午夜的飢餓感去打劫麥當勞,搶了30個漢堡;我選擇用詩意和睡意,為飢餓感解套,於是寫了一短文便飽足似的沉沉睡去:

When winter and darkness arrive in the city, I shall be holed up at home like a bear. When hunger and loneliness slip into the cover, I refuse the latter. Thus I swallow my dreams in order to turn on the darkness, and turn off the hunger. Oh my dear, I am no longer a loner, but a hungry bear in cold dark winter.


隔天醒來,殘存在腦海的是個印象模糊,被稀釋到極淡極淡的臉孔,仔細一看,竟然是Kim的笑臉,太可怕了,幾乎不作夢的我,有夢的殘影不說,是少女時代的美少女就算了,卻是韓國大叔的臉。忽然我有了一個可怕的畫面組合:【Team America】裡的金正日,對著鏡頭說著渡邊的台詞。「我很喜歡你喲。」「像喜歡冬天的熊一樣喜歡。」

可能是過於飢餓的我,開始產生幻覺,也可能是當時和Kim聊天時,飄香在旁的可頌麵包香味,飄進我的夢裡。起床後煎了個omelette,吞下肚,漸漸感到舒緩些。同時也暗暗發誓,下次臨睡前再有飢餓感,冰箱裡又沒有糧食,不要說搶麥當勞,搶鄰居的廚房我大概也會幹吧!


Sunday, November 21, 2010

愛丁堡的時光




前幾天的seminar,我第一個上台播放自己拍的一分鐘visual truth課堂練習,每次這種兩小時小班制的討論會,總是讓我壓力很大,面對的人不到10個,我一個亞洲人,兩個葡萄牙人之外,一個英國人,其他四五個全是能說善道的美國人(其實兩個葡萄牙人最愛說)。往往課堂上,總覺得自己是條快用完的牙膏,千辛萬苦也要擠出些東西來。

不過上個星期,面對眾人解釋自己的想法,竟能侃侃而談良久,不覺緊張。我在人群前講話的能力感覺漸漸進步,尤其是談自己的創作,更有種忘我的投入。結束後,英國邋遢男Richard很義氣的在我回座時,讚揚了一番,不管是否為英國式的客套,還是挺有激勵的作用。

上頭的影片是我把visual truth的練習footage,重剪了一個版本,加上配樂,基本上沒什麼劇情故事,純粹是氣氛營造練習,順便分享我在愛丁堡最常看見的,日常風景。我堅持先用最普通的攝影機(其實是教授叫我這麼作的),別讓太精緻的影像給蒙蔽了。希望能保持節奏,繼續拍出更好的東西。


Friday, November 19, 2010

帶我去遠方


隨著耶誕假期逼近,手邊沒搞定的事仍不少,那種感覺好似在船上,看著港邊越靠越近,但行李卻還沒打包收拾好。上次離開英國,除了回台灣,已經是一年半前的事情了!去的是西班牙。這個月免簽證的消息,終於像有著落的樣子,雖未塵埃落定,明年至少能出去走走吧!

西班牙朋友Elena上個月很興奮的問我,要不要去摩洛哥跨年?我一聽,是英格烈·褒曼演的北非諜影的那個國家耶!身為半個嬉皮的她,打算和她的嬉皮朋友租台小巴到處開、搭帳篷、圍著營火倒數,聽起來非常誘人。可惜,簽證問題,我也不是嬉皮,更無法確定自己是否能接受nomad式的旅程,便婉拒了這個可能是我這輩子最瘋狂的旅行點子。

不過說到想去的國家,才發現自己的想法隨著時間在改變。

來英國前,我一直對西歐特別感興趣,雖大學時去過荷比德法,卻是走馬看花;真正身在歐洲,這幾個「主流」國家聽起來,倒也沒那麼特別了。恰如本身對流行的叛逆態度,我偏偏想往歐洲大陸的邊陲跑。如土耳其、東歐的捷克或匈牙利,或者之前美女Vanja熱情邀我去她的故鄉,在歐盟之外的克羅埃西亞,還是Sigur rós來自的冰島,都是我有機會的話,會優先前往的。

此外,近來讀Monocle,幾乎每期都在大肆推崇黎巴嫩首都貝魯特(有中東的巴黎之美名),再加上學校附近幾個月前新開一家名為貝魯特的餐廳,讓我也對這個位在中東,卻面向地中海的國家產生好奇。聽說Monocle之前推出的限量城市海報,貝魯特的銷量遠高於台北,雖不意外,談起來還是有種淡淡的感傷。

閒扯了一堆想去的國家,免簽證未生效前,就像現在討論楊淑君的亞運金牌一樣,不切實際。不過聊到旅行,多少把自己抽離出期末報告的壓力之中,就期待不遠的某個時候,這裡能出現好久沒出現的,類似遊記的那種東西!


Thursday, November 11, 2010

淺談【媽!我愛你】


Dr. Nick上週小組研討會完,把我叫到一旁,用一種神祕難解的表情,推銷豬五花的肉販口吻,探詢我寫短片心得的意願。他說,身為一個紀錄片導演,也要有能力反省解讀自己的作品,用學術研究的精神。我聽到學術研究就知道,不妙。這是一個深不見底的陷阱,我一踩,如今還沒墜到底部阿!Dr. Nick講完,還附贈一個意味深長的微笑,我點了一個極緩慢極緩慢的頭,估計花了2秒。

2秒鐘的承諾,折騰了我1個星期。

他完全沒說要寫多少,死線(deadline)是什麼時候,我也不想問,問了就沒有研究生自律自發的風範了。即便所有其他事情都擠在一起,如兩本雜誌的截稿,另一部短片的籌劃,還有課堂作業等等,以至於最近幾天我屁股像是被釘在椅子上似的,想走都走不開,怎麼感覺拍完片還要被罰寫勒。昨天更是從早上十一點,non-stop的到晚上七點才起身,一完成就感覺頭又昏眼也花,便跑去健身房打籃球,醒醒腦去了。

因為懶得翻譯,否則這不算長的自我解析文,倒囊括了許多拍攝時的想法。可能英文寫作對我來說還是非常困難,可能詞不達意、可能用法錯誤,但對影片有興趣的朋友,想進一步深入瞭解作者概念的,歡迎閱讀並給予討論批評指教。事實上,12月的cue.電影生活誌專欄,我也會分享某部分的心路歷程,篇幅較短,不過是中文,請繼續支持囉!


Short Film I Love You Mum Reflection


Introduction

My first short documentary film, I Love You Mum, was made in October of 2010 as a purpose of practice. Through this merely three-minute piece, a few aspects of thoughts were explored, in terms of technology, intimacy, communication and relationship. The film depicts a process of my personal expression of love to my mother.


Motivation and Concept

The ideas of making I Love You Mum all started from my research interest, Hyperpersonal Interaction, which is a theory suggesting the various effect of communication between on-line and face to face bases. According to that, the way people connect with each other and express themselves face to face differs from how they do that online. Therefore, to explore the difference between them and self-identity in communication becomes my initial motivation. Furthermore, I have been always intrigued by the representation of reality documentary film could provide. It seems that the most practical way to examine my curiosity of this theme is to film it down, or say, to document it.

Not until several discussions with Dr. Nick Higgins I could not realise what my actual motif is. It turned out to be that what I really try to convey is the intimacy within relationship, either through technological tools or directly expressed in person. I started to look back to my own situation. It appears that I do have difficulties in terms of expressing affection to my family, because of distance, time difference and lack of courage. On the other hand, technology, which provides a relatively indirect benefit of the safety feeling, enables me to speak my mind to my family. Also, by utilising technology to express could achieve almost the same effect with talking face to face. Therefore the structure of I Love You Mum emerges: from eager to communicate, but due to aforementioned factors then unable to communicate, and at last with the aid of technology I manage to speak out my feeling.

The structure wraps a concept in the film, which is the concept to show the process of my overcoming inner weakness of unable to say “I love you” to my own mother. I found that it is also the weakness of many others’. In other words, the concept of film could perhaps offer audiences to have collective understanding, and even the similar emotion as I have.

Apart from that, I Love You Mum is also an experiment and an excise to try out my own filming style by directly documenting first hand experiences. That is to say the purpose of making this documentary film is not only to reflect my desire of self expression, but also to review the essence of intimate relationships I have, and to approach them both emotionally and experimentally.


Subject

Initially, I tended to capture the interaction among my acquaintance circle, which provides me a rather accessible filming subject. However, several unsuccessful attempts made me reconsider the meaning of my original need of documenting. It mainly stemmed from both film competition theme requirement (How technology changes my life) and my own exploration of intimacy in communication. As a result, I become the subject of my own film.

More than that, I also agree on that it is beneficial to start the first film by employing myself in facing both the subjective and the objective positions, in terms of being in front of and behind the camera. That helps me experience the thoughts a filmmaker needs to think over, as well as comprehend more about how it is like to be filmed. Such practices are likely to equip me to have further understanding of documentary film making.


Style and Narrative

Not until actually filming, not many concrete ideas in terms of style appeared in my mind. I did not choose to represent the film as a stylish piece but rather focusing on narrative. However, it is not that I tend to ignore aesthetic part, but I would rather say that the most crucial issue for me in the very first film is to tell a story appropriately. Even though it is documentary film, which is relatively objective compared with feature one. I still would like to convey a few things through the film.

Except for narration, the camera angles or visual representation might also speak out my thoughts. The opening scene of I Love You Mum is a construction sign lying on ground, and a blue lorry passing by to block sight of the sign and then backing out of the camera, at last the construction sign shows again. Personally I like this scene a lot, consequently I insisted on making it to final cut. It is nearly a metaphor of the whole film. The sign represents therefore an obstacle of mine but meanwhile it has been disregarded for a long time. After something or some time passed by, even though it still exists but I could see it more clearly. How to face the obstacle hence suggests the key point of the film.

More than that, I have been influenced by ‘non-places and spaces' theory by Marc Augé. It indicates a familiar paradox: a known place that is still a strange place. Like airport, highway, or a construction sign lying aside street, we don’t even need to be there we still could recognise what that place is. Therefore, the place could be anywhere and everywhere in the world, but it is actually nowhere. This viewpoint has long been the base of my photographic style, and it turns out to be most of the background scenes in I Love You Mum.

I attempt to capture the most ordinary daily life that seems no real difference whether in the UK or in Taiwan. Furthermore, to display these ‘non-places’ is a means to extract the individual ‘myself’ from cultural or whatever else difference to unify with the understanding and circumstances of audiences’. That is to say I sort of simplify the background scenes in order to create a clean and simple visual style to drag audiences’ attention on emotional aspect.

The way I choose to place myself on bottom of the staircase in the film also follows this principle. But moreover, staircase is not only a non-place but also carries an implication in terms of leading people to somewhere, no matter up or down. It might perhaps be a psychological reflection as well. When I describe how I live alone, subconsciously, I have made up my mind to head to a direction, which will lead me to face and go through my own weakness. Here, the weakness is I never dare to say “I love you” to my mother.

According to the narrative, the atmosphere of the film seems to be slightly melancholy. However it is not what I wish to pursuit. Instead, my visual or style reference were much more coming from novel than film. In most of Haruki Murakami’s novels, one lives alone and enjoys himself. It looks like lonely, but the loneliness stems from some abstract thing missing rather than the fact of living alone. Therefore, the arrangement of party and alone scenes taking turns could perhaps reveal my emotional contrast: I live alone but not feeling lonely; I hang out with people but still feeling alone. This contrast could happen to everyone else’s life as well.

For audience, maybe that is why they feel touched when they eventually see my mother’s response. Because the contrast that has been accumulated as a sympathetic understanding from the beginning to the end of the film. My attempt to overcoming inner weakness paid off as a relief for myself and audience. That is to say by watching it audience follows me from being as a role of observer to a relatively subjective one, say, an experience partaker.

At some point this indicates that I Love You Mum is a documentary film not only talking about how technology changes my life, but more about contrast and paradox in daily life. I live in a familiar place but it is still a strange place to me. I love my mother but I never let her know. I socialise with people but I still feel alone. Technology is a bridge to connect these contrasts and a trigger to complete the process of overcoming my inner weakness. Therefore, the film itself could be seen as a cinematic practice, as well as an emotional relief to me. It might not be as unique as what John Grierson claims documentary is like, ‘the creative use of actuality’. But through the process of making it, I used the different approach of expression to face my weakness, and the same affecting reality which is also an actual personal experience comes to me. I Love You Mum is not merely a documentary. Eventually, it comforts me, in a creative way.


Sunday, November 07, 2010

十月隨筆


十月對我來說,一直都是個特別的月份。不僅是我生日的緣故,十月也是秋天,以及寒氣初至之時,稍低的氣溫,讓人的精神更抖擻些。

今年十月,我過得特別充實。

因為偶然,拍了第一部短片,過完2字頭最後一個生日,確認家人是世上最重要的事物,重新學習感恩,體認金錢的可怕,立下事業發展的大致方向,第一次被雜誌專訪,頭一回感受跨國/界合作的樂趣,讀了很多書,看了很多很棒的電影,聊了很多天,聽了很多免費的現場古典音樂表演,排定陸續進行的幾項競賽計畫。

如果真要指明,異鄉生活的必需品,大概就是自信心與勇氣。必須義無反顧的,相信自己,如黃玠唱的:『我常常懷疑,我常常發脾氣,我常常告訴自己,就這麼做,一定沒問題。』誠實面對所有的快樂和不快樂,才能找到自己。現在的我,很接近那種狀態,不過未來仍得靠自己去爭取,旁人的耐心總會有限,得更努力才行。

前一個禮拜,得知短片競賽的入圍名額被減少為5個,【媽!我愛你】並未在其中,獲知當下有失落,也有理解,仔細探究也並不意外,技術上或內容上都可以更好,我心知肚明,比較入圍的短片,明瞭自己是差了那麼一點,不過並未氣餒。大家的熱情,足夠讓我開心許久了!意外的是,許多人告訴我,看完短片不自覺落下淚來,無論認識或不認識的朋友,都這麼說。某種程度上,觀眾的肯定,會比評審的更有意義。身為創作者,要的不多,能觸動人心,便是最大的肯定。如波士頓愛樂的指揮Benjamin Zander,對於成功的定義:

It's not about wealth and fame and power. It's about how many shining eyes I have around me.

許多許多人對短片的鼓勵與感動,讓我確實覺得,身邊此刻圍繞一雙雙閃亮的眼睛,這種喜悅,的確是金錢買不到的。

不過沒有入圍,頓時覺得對不住手邊的電影專欄,11月號起的cue.電影生活誌,接連兩個月會連載分享,我短片從無到有的歷程,假如入圍,能更有官方認證的意味,如今落空,實在辜負編輯青芃小姐的用心,今後只得更加努力。

同時間,一本英國針對外國留學生的刊物,The Great British Magazine,透過朋友Erica的引介找到我,說對我的部落格有興趣,會在明年春節左右刊登報導之類的,據說目標讀者為全英國40間大學的10000名中國留學生,以及10000名國際留學生。聽起來太不真實,但接受訪問倒是無傷大雅,便允諾了下來。上個周末,編輯Radhika Popat小姐撥了手機過來,簡單聊了半小時左右,她好聽的聲音,非常優雅的英格蘭腔,讓過程十分愉快。第一次被訪問,還是英國人,十分特別的經驗。

看著自己的創作,一點一滴產生共鳴,雖不大也不廣,已是個確認,說明自己有能力攪動人心,不過,通常自個兒得先被攪動一番,不見得好受,更多時候的掙扎,外人無從而知。

另外,和其他領域的創作者跨界合作後,會發現,自身才華有限,特別是導一部片,無論再短,仍需借助他人的才華,才能讓整體水準更好、更完整。一方面也是想對細節更重視些,僅憑一己之力,無法兼顧音樂、視覺設計和許多其他,於是,放手讓有才華的人一同參與合作,似乎能達到不同的高度。我需要訓練自己的是概念本身,與整體的大方向,甚至觀點,這些東西透過之前的寫作訓練,培養得還行,唯獨仍需持續的吸收知識,並不斷思考,創意呢,在累積後才會源源不絕。

我一直相信,想清楚後,做的就會快,也才會好。很多話講不好、很多事沒做好,大部分是因為沒想好。【音樂人生】裡的音樂神童黃家正,11歲時說的一番話,讓我徹底震驚,大致上的意思是,『我無時無刻都在想音樂的事。』也許如此長時間思緒的浸淫,才造就看似不費吹灰之力的天才。或許,我們都誤解天才不需要努力的說法了,他們的努力只是我們看不見,不代表不存在。

總之,我的十月過得又快又慢,發生了很多事,很多事倒也沒發生。最後用我輔大老學長,今天不幸病逝的創意人,孫大偉的一句話勉勵大家以及自己:『我敢去面對輸,所以我經常贏。』

希望自己贏的那天,不至於太過遙遠。